


How Could You Have Known?

by justthehiddles



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), Thor (Movies)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety Attacks, Childhood Trauma, Gen, Gender-Neutral Pronouns, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Loki doesn't know, Panic Attacks, Past Child Abuse, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-08
Updated: 2020-10-08
Packaged: 2021-03-07 21:41:31
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,607
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26894626
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/justthehiddles/pseuds/justthehiddles
Summary: Loki is determined to discover your secret.  He has no idea Pandora’s Box he is about to open with his efforts.
Relationships: Loki (Marvel) & Reader
Comments: 10
Kudos: 50





	How Could You Have Known?

The nails on the hand gripping the back of your head dug into your scalp. But the pain was nothing. You were used to pain. Pain was a comfort. It meant you were still alive. Your chest burned as you held onto your breath. You need to inhale, but that wasn’t an option, not until you had to. And then the dam burst. Your mouth opened, and the water filled your nose and mouth. If you could scream, you would. But why waste the energy? It wouldn’t change anything. Just as the edges turned black, you were pulled up out of the water and gasped for air.

“You’re still breathing, you fucking bitch?!” Your mother screamed.

You didn’t say anything. You learned at five any answer, even agreeing resulted in a punch to the gut. Now, at nine, you knew the best defense was to do nothing. It saved you from the worst of it.

“Let’s see how you like the dark, fucking little bitch?” She grabbed you by the scruff of your neck and dragged you from the bathroom down the hall and threw you into a footlocker and shut the lid.

-

You shot up in bed, your pajamas soaked, clinging to your body. Your chest heaved as you swallowed air. As you fumbled for the light, you knocked over your cup of water and three books.

“JARVIS!” You yelled into the dark. “Initiate Protocol.” You sobbed as the soft warm lights came on and white noise filled the room. You stood up and walked to the dresser and changed into a fresh set of pajamas. When you got back to the bed, it was warm, heated within.

“Shall I alert Mr. Stark?” JARVIS asked, unemotional. He may be AI, but he still didn’t understand what an anxiety or panic attack was.

“NO!” you cautioned, your tone abrupt. “No. I’ll tell him in the morning.” you lied. You never tell Tony about the nightmares or how your palms sweat when you have to get onto the Quinjet. Or how to this day you can’t take a bath without crying. The only people who knew were Tony and the psychologist who evaluated you before joining the Avengers.

“As long as we manage it, I don’t see a reason you would be unfit to serve.” Dr. Reiser commented.

“Managed?” Tony questioned.

“No more than one nightmare a week and no daytime episodes.”

Tony slapped your shoulder hard. “You hear that, Sparks.” You hated that nickname. “Any problems and I’m benching you.”

So you lied when the nightmares came every evening. Or when the flop sweats began. Lying to Tony was easy. Hell, lying to the team was even easier. Chalking it up to nerves or a bad lunch and Steve and Sam would believe anything. There was only one person you hated lying to, ironically the God of Lies himself, Loki.

-

“You’re telling me that old bag of bolts said there is nothing wrong with them?” Loki stepped in front of Thor, blocking his path.

“Yes, that is exactly what Tony said, Brother.” Thor sidestepped only to be met by Loki each time.

“But they are clearly hiding something.” Loki continued. “Aren’t you curious what?”

Thor’s lips twitched. “Isn’t the more important question, why are you so curious what?”

Loki huffed and tugged at his shirt, not as satisfying as his Asgardian garb, but he didn’t want to draw any more attention than he already did. “I don’t know what you are insinuating, Brother. I am concerned with the welfare of the team.”

Thor stared at his brother. Loki maintained his carefully crafted look of barely contained contempt. As if anyone would deign to think, let alone comment, Loki would have felt anything other than disinterest or disdain towards anyone.

“If you are so concerned, then ask them yourself.” Thor slipped past Loki and continued his journey to anywhere but where Loki was.

Loki chuckled nervously as he stopped Thor once more. “Here is the thing, I would, but they seem to be avoiding me.”

“Can’t say I blame them.” Thor mumbled.

“What was that, Brother?” Loki pushed his ear to Thor, as if he couldn’t hear the first time.

“I said, can’t say I blame them.” Thor bellowed. “This is not my concern, Loki. Figure this out and let me be.” Thor pushed past Loki with a sharp shove to Loki’s shoulder. He rubbed the spot in mock pain, his mind now reeling on how to discover the truth.

-

“Hey, Sparks, how are you feeling?” Tony sat down beside you in the cafeteria.

You didn’t bother looking up from your food. “You know my body contains enough volts to kill you, right?”

“Yeah, but it’s so cute how your hands spark when you get upset. You didn’t answer my question.” Tony reached onto your tray and grabbed your Jello and started eating.

“Can you repeat it? I wasn’t caring.” He shot a glare at him out of the corner of one eye.

“How are you feeling? Sleeping okay?” Tony finished your Jello and reached for your chips, only for you to shock his hand with your fingers. “Ow. That smarts.”

“Hands off the food. Sleeping fine. What are you, my mother?” You regretted the words as soon as they left your lips. Tony stared at you, eyes locking, both in a state of panic.

“I’m going to get you more Jello. You need more Jello.” Tony fumbled as he stood and headed off to the food line.

You sighed and returned to your food, only for Tony’s seat to be occupied again.

“I thought he would never leave.”

You glanced up to find Loki grinned like a cat who caught the mouse.

“Did Sam tape a sign on my back that says ‘talk to me, I’m friendly’ because if he did, call the police. There is about to be a murder.”

Loki’s brow furrowed. “There is nothing on your back.”

You sighed, rolled your eyes and stood, taking your tray with you. “Go away, Loki.”

Loki hustled to catch up with you. “I just wanted to talk about… the upcoming mission. I wanted to know what you thought of our gallant Captain’s plan. I think it leaves us vulnerable.”

You suspected Loki had ulterior motives, but you spied Tony beelining his way to two of you, an entire tray of Jello. You grabbed Loki by the arm and headed to the exit.

“Can we talk and walk?” You pushed both of you out the door and into the hallway.

“I would rather discuss this somewhere private.” Loki pulled you towards a conference room, but you tugged away and continued walking.

“Out here is fine.”

“No, it’s not.” Loki grabbed you by the shoulder and tugged you into a small utility closet.

It was dark and your throat closed up. “Where’s the light switch?” you asked, panicking. Your hands running against the walls to find it.

“I’m sure it is somewhere.” Loki fumbled, not finding any switch.

“Get me out of here! GET ME OUT OF HERE!” you screamed, sobbing. Loki grabbed and enveloped you in his arms and in a flash of gold, the two of you were in the common area for the Avengers living quarters.

Loki held onto you until you opened your eyes and then shoved Loki away hard. “STAY THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME, LOKI!” You stormed off towards your room, slamming into Sam along the way.

Sam’s gaze shifted between the hallway and Loki. “Lover’s spat?”

Loki rolled his eyes. “I am not romantically interested.”

“Are you sure? Because if you are, I could give you some pointers.” Sam did a bit of hip thrusting for effect.

“I am well acquainted with the matter of courting. I believe I may have upset them.”

“You think?” Sam raised an eyebrow. “You are lucky you are in one piece. Bucky one time stole their favorite book as a prank. Singed his eyebrows right off. Took six months to grow back.”

“Do you think I should make it up to them?”

Sam walked over and put his arm around Loki’s shoulder, which Loki stared at. “I have just the plan.” Sam wiggled his eyebrows.

-

Loki had kept his distance from you for the last three days. Not that it had been hard. You begged off the mission, saying you had a personal matter to attend to and holed up in your quarters since.

“Can’t talk to anyone if there is no one to talk to.” you muttered as you settled in to watch the tenth season of Supernatural. The intercom buzzed.

“Mr. Wilson needs you in Hangar 3.” JARVIS commented.

You waved it off. “I’m busy.”

A few moments go by. “He is quite insistent. Says that if you don’t come down and jumpstart his wings, he’ll just do it himself.”

You threw the covers off. “And blow himself and half the building away. No thank you. Tell him I’ll be there in 10.”

“Right away.”

You threw on some sweatpants with a hole in the knee and a worn out Rolling Stones t-shirt before exiting your quarters and stepping…. into a bathroom. A rather enormous bathroom. The smell of lavender in the air. The back of your brain itched at the smell.

“I thought I should apologize properly.” Loki stepped out from behind a corner. “Please don’t singe my eyebrows, I rather like them where they are.”

Your palms sweated and your heart raced. The smell. It was so familiar. Loki led you across the room until you stood next to a bathtub filled with water. And then it clicked. Lavender, the soap your mother always used.

“Is this some kind of sick joke?” The tears welled up in your eyes. “I thought you were better than the rest. Did Stark put you up to this?” Your words tumbled from your mouth in jumbled, garbled patterns. You bolted for the door to find it locked.

“Let me out!” You pounded on the door. “Please let me out!” You collapsed onto the floor, sobbing, curling into a ball. Loki rushed to your side and transported the two of you to his living quarters, he placed you in the bed and covered you up.

“I had no idea.” Loki reached out to you, but you flinched, rocking back and forth. Loki moved out of your earshot and had JARVIS summoned Tony.

“What in the Nine Realms did you do to them, Stark?” Loki screamed at Tony’s video projection. “So help me,” He wagged a finger. “if I find out you harmed even one hair…”

Tony sighed. “Are you in their quarters or yours?”

Loki blinked. “Mine. What does that—”

“JARVIS, initiate Travel Protocol.” Tony commanded. The door to Loki’s bedroom slammed shut and he could hear something going on inside. “It wasn’t me, Reindeer Games. This all happened long before you and I even knew them.”

Loki’s brow furrowed. “Then who…” His voice trailed off.

“I think it is best they tell you. Give them an hour to stabilize. Let’s just say your father and their mother are in the running for Parent of the Year.”

“I had no idea. They never said anything.”

“They swore me to secrecy and after the whole eyebrow thing…”

“Where was I when this happened?” Loki shrugged his shoulders.

“The dungeons of Asgard. As I was saying, I didn’t think it was my place to share anyway. They never wanted the team to think it would compromise a mission.” Someone talked behind Tony. “Got to go Rock of Ages, take care of them.” The screen went blank. Loki lied down on the couch and waited for you to be ready.

-

You awoke two hours later in a strange room. The blankets warm around you. You worked to piece together what happened. You remember lavender and the memory of your mother and Loki. LOKI! You jumped out of the bed and spun around. You were in Loki’s bed and he saw everything. You wrapped the blanket around your shoulders and went out to face him.

When the doors opened, Loki jumped to his feet and rushed to your side. “Is there anything I can—” You held a hand up.

“I don’t want your pity.” You plopped down into a chair, Loki returned to the couch.

“You could have told me.”

You scoffed, laughing darkly. “What that for the first twelve years of my life my mother physically and emotionally abused me? That it was only when I ran away to live on the streets I discovered I had powers? It’s not exactly lunchtime conversation.”

“I’ve had some experience with poor parenting.” Loki countered.

“Did your father try to kill you? Hold your head underwater until you blacked out? Throw you into a foot locker half the size of that coffee table for days at a time?”

Loki shifted in his seat. “Yes, my father tried to kill me. Both of them did. And while I may have appeared to have lived a privileged life, I have known my fair share of torture.”

“Then you understand my reluctance to share.” You exhaled, a tear landed on the blanket. “The team can’t know, Loki. Tony can’t know. He’ll bench me. Kick me out of the Avengers, they’re my family!” Your eyes widened, pleading.

Loki moved to sit on the arm of the chair. He hugged as best he could in the awkward position. “Your secret is safe with me. No one will know about today.” Loki lied. “And if you ever have an attack in the future, I want you to call me.”

You nodded, pulling the blanket off and handing it to Loki, who tossed it on the couch. “I will. I should get going.”

“You can stay here. I’ll sleep on the couch tonight.” Loki offered.

“I appreciate that, but I should go to my own quarters.” You hustled to the door, but Loki blocked your way.

“I would sleep better knowing you were here. Please. Indulge me.”

You narrowed your eyes at Loki. “What’s the trick?”

“No trick,” Loki crossed his heart. “Scout’s honor.”

“There are no scouts on Asgard.” You pushed past him. “I’ll stay, on one condition…”

“Which is?” Loki moved towards you.

“You watch Supernatural with me. I’ll even start at the beginning.” You grabbed the remote and wiggled it up.

“You start it up, I’ll go get some snacks.” Loki bolted out the door towards the kitchen.

-

After you fell asleep, Loki carried you to his bed and tucked the covers around you. He grabbed a spare pillow and settled on the couch. Before he drifted off to sleep, he put in a call to Stark.

“What’s up, Loki? Can’t this wait until morning?” Tony yawned on screen.

“I will take personal responsibility for them on missions from now on. There is no need to bench them.”

Tony blinked. “What do you mean?”

“I mean if something were to go wrong, I will take the blame and punishment. I will make sure it is fixed and taken care of.”

Tony raised an eyebrow. “And what about off mission? Are you willing to take that burden?”

“It’s not a burden. It would be an honor.” Loki commented.

“And what pray tell has brought on this generosity, Loki? What sort of game are you playing?”

Loki glanced at the door leading to his bedroom where you slept. “No games. It is just about time someone took care of them like they deserve.”

Tony shook his head. “Whatever, Horned One, your funeral. I’m going back to sleep, make sure Sparks doesn’t light anything on fire.”

Loki nodded. “With pleasure.”  



End file.
